Month: November 2017

I once feared,
that I would never know love,
and then she came
into my life.

She showed me
the truth that is love,
and I realized,
there was nothing to fear at all

“I don’t know why I stick around to watch you burn our bridges down. I can’t help it that I need ya…”.
BEA MILLER

In 49 years the concept of burning bridges is one that I have been very acquainted with. I have let go of more friends than most people will have in their lifetime. This is not something to be proud of. The universe knows that if I could go back and change some things I would start by keeping some of these people around.
I look back on many of the relationships I have had and I can see the common factor in all of them…ME.
I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I have no problem in admitting that, especially at this point in my life. I am very opinionated. I see things, the world, life, etc… in a certain way and I have a hard time when others don’t see things the way I do. I am also the person that will do more for others then they will ever do for me. This is not me boasting, or patting my own back, it is just the way I was raised. Unfortunately for others I know this is the fact, I tell myself what will happen, and yet I still hold it against them. This is my fault not theirs.
The saddest part in it all is the ease at which I could walk away and not look back. Oh I might think about that person from time to time, but the thought comes and it goes just as quickly. It was almost as if I already had the match lit before I ever made it to the other side of the bridge. Almost like I was seeing if I would even make it off before everything collapsed beneath me.
It has only been recently, in the last couple years, that I have met a person, that regardless of the situation, I refuse to drop that match. In fact I have even blown it out so that I don’t accidentally let it fall.
I don’t know if I will fall back into my same pattern or not, but for the moment I stand here knowing there is another choice to starting a fire to watch it burn, and who knows…. maybe its a start to me never burning another bridge again.

This is the normal start of my day. one nice thing about it is that the world is quiet. No rush about noises from the world outside my window. I have always lived near a city, have always had people right next door, and have always had the noises that accompany that whole scene. It is something you have a tendency to get use to, at least that is what I tell myself.
I have had the opportunity however, to spend some time in the less populated countryside, and to tell you the truth I like it a whole lot better. The silence is troublesome at first, it has a strangeness to it, but once you get passed that initial weirdness it has a settling affect on your soul.
The sounds at four in the morning are still pretty much the same in both places, but more of a calmness surrounds the country area. Maybe that is because when the world starts to awaken it doesn’t wake up equally in both places, or maybe I’m just older now and am just tired of the noises. Even at Four in the morning.

“Carefree Highway,
nice to see you my old friend.
Carefree Highway,
you’ve seen better days.
The morning after blues,
from my head down to my shoes.
Carefree Highway let me slip away,
slip away on you.”

This is such an excellent chorus by Gordan Lightfoot, and it has a ton of meaning for me.
Since I was old enough to jump on my bike and take off I have always gone somewhere when things are to troublesome for me. Of course on a BMX bike you are only getting so far, but I have memories of taking all day and doing 40 miles one way. (yes 80 miles round trip made for a long day for a thirteen year old, but there was never a destination in mind)
Turning sixteen opened up a new world for me. With a car 60 miles turned into hundreds of miles. Back then it was much easier. $200 in my pocket, gas only being around $1 a gallon, and food, (my diet consisted of a mountain dew, a snickers bar, and pack of marlboro reds,) was less than $10. You could get around.
I would jump in the car early in the morning and just go.
Out on the road the sound of the wheels humming along was calming. The goal again was not destination, but to keep going until the sound got annoying. I could be hundreds of miles from home before that could happen.
Even today at almost 49 that urge still erupts inside. I will drive 3 hours to just sit next to a lighthouse across the state.
I hear that chorus, and I know exactly what it means. Carefree highway, nice to see you my old friend, let me slip away, slip away on you

Words are so important, so powerful. They can heal, as well as hurt. They can created, as well as destroy. They can be the difference between someone fulfilling a dream, or maybe just getting out of bed every morning. They can make one laugh, or cry, And once in a while they can make someone think. They can inspire someone to become all they can be, or they can stop someone in their tracks, causing them to stop moving forward altogether. We say so much everyday, and for the most part I don’t even think we pay attention to what it is we are saying. We affect others with our words, so it is a great responsibility on our parts, that we remember what we say can help to make or break someone else’s day.

For a thousand lifetimes,
I have loved you.

In many guises,
you have been mine.

I offer no excuses,
For the way I feel right now,

because it has been the same way,
I have felt for eternity.

I have on other occasions tried writing a blog. I have tried to put my thoughts down on the day to day drama that the world seemed to keep finding itself in. Those attempts however, were misguided. All they seemed to do was show my anger, my frustrated disdain and lack of tolerance for the world around me. As such those blogs never really seemed to take flight.

This blog however, is much different. This one is about the journey of the wolf, my journey. The journey of one, who in finding himself lost within this world, continues his search for his heavenly moon.

The day we are born and the day that we die are truly important.  They signify the beginning and ending of our lives. However, what is more important, in my opinion, is the little line, the dash, that separates those two dates. This little line represents the life we lived. Our hopes and dreams, our successes and failures, everything we bring to our journey is within that line. History is full of people that we admire and fear. We are taught to remember when they were born and when they died, but it is the life they gave to that little dash, that made them important enough to remember the dates. It is the journey that we give to that dash that makes the beginning and the ending worth anything at all.